I sat in the corner of my room bawling. My world had suddenly appeared as it really was. Huge, dark and empty. I was alone. So very alone. My family would not be there for me and I would be like this until I died. I was 7 years old. I cried until there were no more tears to cry. Until, like my world, I was empty.
I got to my feet and looked out my window of my bedroom. The sunset was as it should be. The reds, orange and purples lit the sky. The sunset over the desert in Algeria was always incredible. I remember feeling like an old man. Bizarre as that was, I missed someone and that made me feel so very alone. I had no idea who it was and truth be told, I had no idea what that should feel like but I truly felt old.
This memory has stayed with me my whole life and so has the feeling of being alone in this world. I have gone through periods where my life has felt like a sentence to be served. I have gone through periods where I have felt like glass waiting to be shattered. I have also gazed into her eyes and felt so in love that I could hardly breathe. Her. The woman I met as a young man who I felt so deeply in love with yet knew she would never stay. My world was to be alone and she could be a part of that. I love her to this day.
She became pregnant very soon after we met and she had an abortion. We both regretted that decision and it weighed heavily over our relationship. I asked her to marry me and then I pulled out because I knew she would not stay. Guess what she didn’t. Nearly twenty years later my girlfriend got pregnant and we had fraternal twins. Neither had a familial history of twins but here we were with two wonderful boys. I felt somehow whole but I knew this relationship would not work out either and it didn’t. We are friends now and very close but I am still on my own.
My recent heart attack has got me thinking and feeling. It’s strange how your life gets reviewed after coming into contact with our mortality. I have done so many amazing things and travelled and met celebrities, and created art and two wonderful little humans. I have loved and lost and loved again. I have no complaints and no regrets. I wouldn’t be who I am without every experience I have had. I have helped others find a way in a difficult time too.
Yet, I am alone. My childhood experience was almost like a prophecy or maybe a self-determined choice. A foresight that most 7 year olds do not have by my understanding. This moment of recent clarity into my life has shown me those who actually are there for me and I must say there are some. There are also those who are not. Something like this reveals alot about those around me.
I know this post is morbid and seems depressing and yet maybe I am sharing what it feels like to have Depressive Disorder. It’s a risk to be vulnerable yet it’s something I have not veered away from. It takes a strength to be open and to share about our mental health and feelings. Thanks to those who read my posts and to those who respond here or via messages on other platforms.