We sat across from each other at the dim restaurant and as we ate, we talked. We talked of psychology, disorders and counselling. We talked of insights we had recently regarding clients. We didn’t have to reveal who the person was because it about the behavior, variables and the patterns. We talked about where counselling stopped, and the diagnostic stage started. He was my mentor and close friend. We bounced ideas and theories off each other and helped if we needed it. He was always my benchmark for decisions. What would he do or suggest? My friend died a couple months ago, and I miss him terribly. I need one of our talks.
As a counsellor, the job is to listen, support and suggest behavioral alternatives, not to diagnose. A Psychologist has the knowledge to diagnose and use longer term strategies, and Psychiatrists can medicate and is the equivalent of a specialist. However, a counsellor or someone in that position has to have some idea of what’s going on inside the other person to get a feel for alternate behavioral strategies that could be suggested. They can’t diagnose officially but they must know the literature in order to understand what they are dealing with. Herein lies the dilemma.
It’s not my place to counsel my friends. Unless they ask for my opinion and even then, we must both be aware that I am interpreting everything through the bias of a friendship. But oh my God, I want to grab some people and shake them until they get it. There is arrogance behind someone telling you what they think you should do when you haven’t asked for the advice. That type of advice is rarely heeded. The intention is well meant, but the person may not have been ready to hear that. So, when you know someone well and they are acting in a way that’s going to have repercussions, the hardest thing to do is let them do it.
All I can choose is how much I let their choices affect me. If what they are doing affects me, I have the choice to verbalize my boundary, or reduce the impact of the repercussions by walking away. The more I understand and implement this, the more I feel I’m leaving a body count in my wake. Let me explain.
Two years ago, I met a woman who used me for her own reasons. She faked how she told me she felt personally. She said she wanted to be with me but that turned out to be untrue. She enjoyed the attention, but she had no intention of being with me. It was not a very nice thing to do. It was very selfish. I met another woman who I started a business with. I offered my experience with a partnership, a year of working on it and me putting up all the initial capital. She had her own agenda, and I wasn’t part of it. After a year, I walked away with nothing. She still runs her business as the “founder”.
Moving on, a couple weeks ago, I got a message from someone I didn’t know on FB and they attached some pictures of a woman I know pretty well. The pictures were screenshots from her Onlyfans page. I had no idea she had one. She has kept her OF very quiet and blocked local users from finding her. Not very well obviously. Turns out, she milked a mentally handicapped guy out of thousands and a vigilante group is messaging people she knows. This seems way out of character for this person, but the OF page exists and that’s out of character too. I was floored because I believed she was more capable in life than the way she presents herself there. I felt gross. Not because she is on Onlyfans, but because I really did not want to see pictures of her like that.
A week ago, I walked out of my job mid-shift. I can’t explain everything because it could be inflammatory, but I couldn’t lower my standards or condone practices that could affect the public. I vocalized my concerns and the resulting decision negated basic health practices. By staying, I would be condoning it by association. I was a chef and managed kitchens, and I couldn’t turn a blind eye. Things got heated and I had to walk. I was staying in my bosses’ home, so I knew I was choosing to leave my job, my accommodations and I was very probably losing someone I thought was a friend. So, I am looking for a new place to live and a new job because I have boundaries. Damn.
For the last year or so, I’ve been messaging with a woman on Instagram. You know, small interactions, comments and cheeky messages. Nothing too personal one way or another. I asked about working photographically together a few times, but we were never in the right place at the right time. She showed concern about me, and we became friendly. Neither of us have mentioned the word ‘friend’ in our conversations thus offering a potential for deeper connection. We recently finally set up a time to meet. The evening before she messaged and asked to shift it to the following night. I said I shouldn’t, but I would shift things around. She replied later saying don’t worry, let’s keep it as planned. I had all this work stuff going on, so I wasn’t going to shuffle things around again. Besides, I know this pattern. I said I had already shifted things around so enjoy your night. Later that night I was going through a bizarre situation being in my bosses (‘friend’) home who was pissed off but was ignoring me. I realized I didn’t really know this guy very well and that life can be strange sometimes. Nobody knew where I actually was so I messaged this woman explaining the situation and gave her my phone number and address where I was staying. I also told her I was leaving town on the bus at 2pm the next day.
No reply. Then the following day, a short question and “take care…”.
I don’t need a ‘friendzone’ and I don’t play chase. I replied stating she was funny and smart, a woman I wanted to get to know and if she changed her mind about meeting, let me know. No reply and I’ve unfollowed her. The last IG Story I saw of hers stated “Knowing your worth takes all the fun out of it”. Could be taken two ways.
I started this piece saying how much I missed a deep connection in my life and the ethical and moral dilemma of diagnosing through the lens of a bias of friendship. These are connected because our search for connection is so driven by our deepest needs and desires that we often need to compromise our standards to accommodate another person into our visions. How little or how much we compromise is essentially about authenticity. Who am I, what do I stand for and am I behaving accordingly? How much am I compromising my values for the connection I have with this person? Do my intentions and my behavior match?
So, I am looking for work again, looking for somewhere to stay because it was -9 the other night, and still single. Thanks for reading, cheers.