What if I did a photography series on how broken some people are? Or, maybe how we are all broken to a degree and in myriad ways? What if it’s actually about how ‘we’ are seeing “them” as broken? And then we infer how, and who, they are, and then are then either surprised by their behavior or they resemble our image of them? Are they even broken? Too deep? Maybe. How do I even portray this as an image?
This idea follows two events.
Firstly, a surprising insight into some people I know which I did not see coming.
Secondly, there’s a moment when you realize you truly understand something.
That usually involves experience, knowledge, wisdom and awareness. I was attempting to understand why the term “broken” is used by some people to describe themselves. I serendipitously found that someone who self-reports to having that level of self-awareness, can adversely use that self-image to help justify their choices.
It’s weird when you spot the pattern because the behavior garnishes a feeling of compassion and forgiveness when hearing their self-description. However, the behavior doesn’t make logical sense. It does however keep the cycle going; hence “broken”. Someone who describes themselves as broken is attempting to widen your perception of them to include certain behaviors they know they have, and you may not like. Whether that person is actually self-aware enough to spot this pattern is a part of the diagnosis of psychopathy and narcissistic traits as a symptom of trauma. Trying to understand the how’s and the why’s of this behavior is akin to trying to get reason out of unreasonable. You cannot understand who someone is, any more than you can make an accurate guess of who they are.
This is an area of psychology I am drawn to. The intersect of brain biology, social learning and consciousness. Fascinating but very ‘deep’. I get it. The other part of all this is that it was happening to me. I was having to understand this because I was personally involved in this type of interaction with somebody. And it sucked.
It sucked mostly because I didn’t want them to be behaving like they were. If they could see what I saw in them, they would surely be making different choices. Choices that obviously I thought would be better and less harmful to them. I felt like they couldn’t see how what they were doing was hurting them. And me. I was feeling hurt because I felt manipulated. The perception of them had been peppered with feelings of forgiveness because I understood the pattern (that they are “broken”) so I forgave unreasonable behavior because they had laid that path for me. Hearing about their past and distressing events will have the desired effect of future forgiveness when used as a manipulative tool. How to spot if it’s manipulative? When the story is out of context for the current situation and often early in getting to know each other.
I went down the rabbit hole on this one. It’s the only way I was able to move on however, now, how the fuck do I create an image that reflects this pattern in a way that is striking and original? It comes back to portraying someone in a way that makes them look suspicious, or deep in thought, or in reflection, or heavily vignetted, or edited to look voyeuristic in a way. I’ve seen this in numerous forms, in fact a lot of ways. Thinking about it, aren’t many portrait photographers describing their work as revealing the inner person somehow? To empower, to reflect the beauty, to show another side of someone?
Right then. What if I did a 180-degree spin? Go with me here.
What if I tried my best to put myself in their shoes and shoot from their perspective? How does the (I really dislike this description but…) predator see their prey? Now, go a bit deeper to make it believable. How have I viewed people I have manipulated and hurt? It doesn’t feel good to be reminded of that does it? Kinda makes me feel pretty tight in the stomach and uncomfortable in my chair. [ Ed. Did you shift any part of you when you thought about hurting someone?] It feels raw. I think imagery portraying that could be considered exploitative or fetish. A position of power over another. Like, I am going to take something from you.
Interesting but not where I want to go.
How about the absurdity of it all? It’s non-sense-icle as in, it makes no sense. Nonsense. What then, is the visual abstract of nonsense?
The subject is confusing and full of variables and therefore subjective. Therefore, the viewpoint is purely my own. My unique viewpoint on the subject and it’s valid. I’m valid. My viewpoint and hereby my opinion matters. Therefore, I must matter. I matter but am I important? Because I am unique and able to express my opinion, I am thereby important because I matter. We all must matter right? We are all important.
See how easy it is to slip from nonsense to valid importance? And now if I apply that same chain of thought to you, then “I would forgive your shortcomings too. Of course, I would. Nobody is perfect, so we can be forgiving of each other, right? You don’t agree? How does that not make sense? What’s wrong with you? You obviously don’t approve or therefore like me so I what’s the use in knowing me? What did I ever do to you but try and help you? I am a good person who matters and I don’t deserve this, I won’t be a victim of your judgement. You obviously do not know me very well. I am alone again with my opinion. And there’s one more person in the world who doesn’t understand me. I’m an outsider and do not fit in. I feel uncomfortable again. Why don’t you get me? I tried to help you and you didn’t appreciate it.”
“I’m a good person. I’m unique” … and so it goes on.
This is the pattern and it hurts everyone involved and it’s ineffective in maintaining relationships. It doesn’t work.
It’s broken, wait; I’m broken.
Take from this what you will and as always thanks for your time.