I lay back in the hospital’s emergency room. A nurse had taken my details and enquired about my chest pain over the last few days. It wasn’t very painful but it was uncomfortable and unnerving to be honest. As a smoker, I had concerns. A doctor pulled back the curtain and walked in.
“So Robin, you have had a heart attack and we need to stop the pain because your heart is having trouble. You won’t be going anywhere.”
The air seemed to leave the room and the gravity of the situation hit me. I couldn’t really think straight. A heart attack? No clutching the chest or pain in my left arm? Apparently, heart attacks can be like this. My sons came to mind. My family came and went through my thoughts. I suddenly felt incredibly lonely. Here I was going through another major life event alone. I took a deep breath and messaged a few close friends and for some reason, I put a picture of me in my Instagram stories. I messaged my boss. Then the morphine hit.
I drifted in and out of sleep but the pressure in my chest lingered. More pills were given and I seemed to sink into the bed. I was moved to the cardiac ward. Early the next morning, I was rushed to another hospital in an ambulance to undergo an angiogram and angioplasty to put a stent in my heart. The procedure was relatively painless but they kept saying they were worried about my low blood pressure. They had given me a medication that dropped my blood pressure. Apparently, I was very sensitive to it because I honestly felt I was dying. I was nauseous, dizzy and have never felt so ill. I prayed for myself to live to hold my sons again.
I am now at home again and recovering with a stent in my heart and the prognosis is good. Not once did photography come to mind. A few people I had worked with messaged their concern and get well wishes. Nothing from my immediate family except my older sister. Some old friends reached out. I spoke with my sons to relieve their worry. People I didn’t expect messaged. Some I expected to didn’t.
I am still processing this event because I came into contact with my own mortality and my life won’t be the same. I am realizing how important connection is and how much we take for granted. I get caught up in these small details which make no difference. I hope for some people to care more than they are capable of. I long for the company of others who will never be by my side. I want to nourish those relationships that matter. I want to voice my thoughts and feelings whether through words or visual representations. This is my legacy and I know to some, I matter. I hope you find this revelation applicable without having to get as close to the edge as I did.
Thank you for listening and I know this isn’t about photography but is an inspiration for some future work. Take care and love those who want to walk with you.
I am so sorry, Robin, for your troubles, but it seems nice, in a way, that you were given a wake up call, rather an ending. I hope you heal fast and you take ever future moment as a gift.